can't get a deep enough breath

The first month is over -

Just want to exercise - use my body - until I'm sweaty and exhausted. Can't seem to get enough breath down in my lower lungs - my whole body around my lower lungs, my intercostals, my mid torso, my waist is so stagnant, old - needs movement fresh air prana and then some more movement fresh air prana and then some more

getting to where I am finding fault with my behavior in my relationships; why is that? Is it perspective? or is just blaming myself? no percentage in finding fault with me

had a deep sobbing cry on the way to work this morning - it was grief

I want to say that I am not taking responsibility for the split/divorce this time. Like last time, I did not want it; I was committed to working this all out. And like last time, I have to react to being kicked out/kicked around (?) It is so hard to accept that I was not accepted and was not unconditionally loved and did not have his commitment - but gauwd!! I am so tired of this

I also have to say that I am not willing to be responsible for his behavior and will remember that - but I do have to react to his behavior - what a fuck! does he do this just so someone will react to his behavior? I bet so - he's like that; gets bored easily or so he says - what a fuck!

all I want to do is move my body, move my body - swim, sex, Yoga, bicycle, urdhva dhanurasana - just move my body; change and deepen my breath - get that stagnation out of there