never wrong, never apologizes,

07 July 2008

He was/is never wrong - he will talk to the kids for hours to convince them and warp their minds into thinking that someone, anyone, else was wrong - including them - but not him - he just can't be wrong.

His behavior was my fault - "see what you caused"  "see what you made me do" - I'm sure he has convinced the kids that the divorce and this last breakup are all my fault. He was/is never responsible for his own behavior - the unpleasant aspects of his life was/are always in response to someone else - he would never take responsibility or be accountable to someone else

He always had/has to have his way - if he didn't want to do something, he wouldn't and he is very proud of this - of being in control of his destiny/his time/what a warrior. If I wanted to be with him, I'd have to do what he wanted - sit there in front of the tv and watch him channel surf, go to the bars and watch him drink, go to the restaurants he wanted to go to - that gets old fast ... An aspect of this is his living vicariously through our children. He is living his dreams and goals in our son; he has made our son a CEO of a corporation of his making with his ideas and his dreams/goals. 

He never apologies to anyone - see above - his hubris, boorishness 

I don't want our son to be like him - oh, if only the kids would get some insight and independent thoughts of their own and not be so influenced by his money, his trips, his title granting shenanigans

I guess I don't have much respect for him after all

can't get a deep enough breath

The first month is over -

Just want to exercise - use my body - until I'm sweaty and exhausted. Can't seem to get enough breath down in my lower lungs - my whole body around my lower lungs, my intercostals, my mid torso, my waist is so stagnant, old - needs movement fresh air prana and then some more movement fresh air prana and then some more

getting to where I am finding fault with my behavior in my relationships; why is that? Is it perspective? or is just blaming myself? no percentage in finding fault with me

had a deep sobbing cry on the way to work this morning - it was grief

I want to say that I am not taking responsibility for the split/divorce this time. Like last time, I did not want it; I was committed to working this all out. And like last time, I have to react to being kicked out/kicked around (?) It is so hard to accept that I was not accepted and was not unconditionally loved and did not have his commitment - but gauwd!! I am so tired of this

I also have to say that I am not willing to be responsible for his behavior and will remember that - but I do have to react to his behavior - what a fuck! does he do this just so someone will react to his behavior? I bet so - he's like that; gets bored easily or so he says - what a fuck!

all I want to do is move my body, move my body - swim, sex, Yoga, bicycle, urdhva dhanurasana - just move my body; change and deepen my breath - get that stagnation out of there