never wrong, never apologizes,

07 July 2008

He was/is never wrong - he will talk to the kids for hours to convince them and warp their minds into thinking that someone, anyone, else was wrong - including them - but not him - he just can't be wrong.

His behavior was my fault - "see what you caused"  "see what you made me do" - I'm sure he has convinced the kids that the divorce and this last breakup are all my fault. He was/is never responsible for his own behavior - the unpleasant aspects of his life was/are always in response to someone else - he would never take responsibility or be accountable to someone else

He always had/has to have his way - if he didn't want to do something, he wouldn't and he is very proud of this - of being in control of his destiny/his time/what a warrior. If I wanted to be with him, I'd have to do what he wanted - sit there in front of the tv and watch him channel surf, go to the bars and watch him drink, go to the restaurants he wanted to go to - that gets old fast ... An aspect of this is his living vicariously through our children. He is living his dreams and goals in our son; he has made our son a CEO of a corporation of his making with his ideas and his dreams/goals. 

He never apologies to anyone - see above - his hubris, boorishness 

I don't want our son to be like him - oh, if only the kids would get some insight and independent thoughts of their own and not be so influenced by his money, his trips, his title granting shenanigans

I guess I don't have much respect for him after all

can't get a deep enough breath

The first month is over -

Just want to exercise - use my body - until I'm sweaty and exhausted. Can't seem to get enough breath down in my lower lungs - my whole body around my lower lungs, my intercostals, my mid torso, my waist is so stagnant, old - needs movement fresh air prana and then some more movement fresh air prana and then some more

getting to where I am finding fault with my behavior in my relationships; why is that? Is it perspective? or is just blaming myself? no percentage in finding fault with me

had a deep sobbing cry on the way to work this morning - it was grief

I want to say that I am not taking responsibility for the split/divorce this time. Like last time, I did not want it; I was committed to working this all out. And like last time, I have to react to being kicked out/kicked around (?) It is so hard to accept that I was not accepted and was not unconditionally loved and did not have his commitment - but gauwd!! I am so tired of this

I also have to say that I am not willing to be responsible for his behavior and will remember that - but I do have to react to his behavior - what a fuck! does he do this just so someone will react to his behavior? I bet so - he's like that; gets bored easily or so he says - what a fuck!

all I want to do is move my body, move my body - swim, sex, Yoga, bicycle, urdhva dhanurasana - just move my body; change and deepen my breath - get that stagnation out of there

2nd week

Today is the 2nd week that he kicked me out of his house - my exhusband. No, we did not remarry although we had been living together six or seven years again after eleven years of not living together. So I do not want to dwell on his wrongs, my hurts, etc. We've had 29 years of doing that - this is about how do I open my heart to love and remarry and what do I want.

I'm back in my house - never sold it and I am thinking that I will never leave my house again just for love with a man - that way I can't be kicked out. I'm thinking the only way I'll leave my home again is if I marry or have some kind of legal security. He would kick me out of his house at least 2x a year, sometimes more often and I would leave, like a kicked puppy with my tail 'tucked between my legs. This last time I told him that he would have to help me move ALL my stuff out, that we would be done for ALL eternity, no more holidays with the kids, we will not share grandchildren, no more future lives together - WE ARE DONE - and if I have to check myself into a mental ward for 2 weeks or 2 months, I would do it. Well, he did it - it took 2 trips of a sedan that I drove, an SUV that he drove, and a pickup truck that my friend drove. And there is still stuff over there.

Funny, I wanted him to suffer and appreciate me by taking all my stuff away - after all, I was the one who created the family, the home, cooked the meals, etc. I took pots and pans, towels, sheets, dishes, etc. I also wanted to do a Richard Nixon, "you won't have me to kick around anymore." But, I'm sure he is happy that all that clutter is gone. And there is no percentage in thinking about this stuff anyways but it does occur to me that he never really loved me because in recent times, everything about me and my stuff irritated him. So we are both happy - I'm back in my home with all my stuff/clutter and his house is cleaned out for selling.

I dont' miss him but I do miss having a man - the scent of a man, the sound of a deep voice, the body to hug at night ... how to find a new love, new life and I am 55 years old and significantly overweight, and work many hours as an attorney in order to pay my share of the kids' college. Where to begin? I know it'll all work out and even though I am spiritual, I don't want to be a celibate old woman getting her rocks off by praying to these male gods - I want a real man who understands that tantra is about making the woman into the goddess divine in all aspects of living - not just with sex although that's important too.