Today is the 2nd week that he kicked me out of his house - my exhusband. No, we did not remarry although we had been living together six or seven years again after eleven years of not living together. So I do not want to dwell on his wrongs, my hurts, etc. We've had 29 years of doing that - this is about how do I open my heart to love and remarry and what do I want.
I'm back in my house - never sold it and I am thinking that I will never leave my house again just for love with a man - that way I can't be kicked out. I'm thinking the only way I'll leave my home again is if I marry or have some kind of legal security. He would kick me out of his house at least 2x a year, sometimes more often and I would leave, like a kicked puppy with my tail 'tucked between my legs. This last time I told him that he would have to help me move ALL my stuff out, that we would be done for ALL eternity, no more holidays with the kids, we will not share grandchildren, no more future lives together - WE ARE DONE - and if I have to check myself into a mental ward for 2 weeks or 2 months, I would do it. Well, he did it - it took 2 trips of a sedan that I drove, an SUV that he drove, and a pickup truck that my friend drove. And there is still stuff over there.
Funny, I wanted him to suffer and appreciate me by taking all my stuff away - after all, I was the one who created the family, the home, cooked the meals, etc. I took pots and pans, towels, sheets, dishes, etc. I also wanted to do a Richard Nixon, "you won't have me to kick around anymore." But, I'm sure he is happy that all that clutter is gone. And there is no percentage in thinking about this stuff anyways but it does occur to me that he never really loved me because in recent times, everything about me and my stuff irritated him. So we are both happy - I'm back in my home with all my stuff/clutter and his house is cleaned out for selling.
I dont' miss him but I do miss having a man - the scent of a man, the sound of a deep voice, the body to hug at night ... how to find a new love, new life and I am 55 years old and significantly overweight, and work many hours as an attorney in order to pay my share of the kids' college. Where to begin? I know it'll all work out and even though I am spiritual, I don't want to be a celibate old woman getting her rocks off by praying to these male gods - I want a real man who understands that tantra is about making the woman into the goddess divine in all aspects of living - not just with sex although that's important too.
